Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

January 19, 2010

The Assignment

Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose”

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


“The Assignment”

By Spacedteacher


I was already peeved when I arrived in Athens for my meeting with The High Commander. smile_angryWhat was so damn important that my vacation needed to be canceled with three weeks left? On top of that he kept me waiting for thirty minutes!! What a puushva!! Finally after the obligatory salutations and “Raising Of The Georgian Jale Of Cooperation” the meeting began. Georgia is very steeped in ritual. That can be a dangerous thing when you are already highly agitated at The High Commander’s stupidity. I needed to step lightly. Fortunately I was able to control myself. I just kept telling myself that he could make life very difficult for me so I better remain calm. Believe me as hard as it is to comprehend he could have sent me to a far worse place than where he eventually did. Praise Sheng Di!!!

My current job was as an Administrative Assistant to The High Commander. I was in charge of rather mundane matters such as getting potholes and street lights fixed, keeping the parks clean etc etc. It was a boring but not terribly demanding job. I could do it easily in my sleep. I was happy with my situation. I made reasonably good money and had plenty of time for my more recreational pursuits.


BUT NO!!! This Shinkra has taken it upon himself to advance MY career!! Who in the Hell asked him? Why can’t he just mind his own business? Over my strenuous objections I was being promoted!! I was to be the Attache of The Georgian Government to a Chinese University.  My primary responsibility was to teach the Chinese university students English and American culture. I also had cultural responsibilities such as attending plays,concerts,state dinners,art exhibits etc etc all in an official capacity!!



I felt CURSED!! smile_devilChina? Responsibility? WHY ME??


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Captured Or Enticed By China

Spacedteacher Adventures In The Middle Cosmos


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose”


The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.

“Captured Or Was  It Enticed By China “

By Spacedteacher


A soft Appalachian Breeze kissed the trees and caressed the birds in The Ozark Mountains of my home country America. American mythology says that America was created by God by blowing a kiss. Appalachian Breeze means “God’s Divine Kiss” . All living creatures stir with passion when they feel His Kiss. The birds burst into song as if proclaiming their love , the trees and flowers spring into bloom as if offering a dowry. All living things become gentle and peaceful.


I was sitting on the porch of my home gazing contentedly at the Ozark sunset while petting the Three Moons Of Pleeksa , my cats. In my fields the deer and antelope were grazing contentedly as the Appalachian Moon began to rise. The stars were beginning to emerge from their slumber to cast an eerie but comforting glow upon the night sky.The forest played it’s night music. I can remember thinking how beautiful it all was. A kaleidoscope for the senses!!!


The Cosmos was at rest. I was on vacation.
This was the world and situation I was captured from.

And then it happened!! My P.C.D. portable communication device or mobile phone as it’s known  to you Chinese clamored. Begrudgingly I answered it having no choice since it was The High

What a puushvaa !!!

Commander. I was summonsed to an immediate and very important meeting in Athens the state capital of my home state.Vacation over with three weeks left. Sometimes the Cosmos just SUCKS!!!



I didn’t realize it at that point yet but I had been captured or some would say enticed from my home.

My Chinese adventure was just beginning.

This English castle is actually a sea shell museum in the beautiful coastal city of Dalian in Liaoning Province , China

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

January 18, 2010

Annie Oakley Will Conquer HaNazeeland

Spacedteacher’s Adventure’s In The Middle Cosmos


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose.”


The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees


Annie Oakley Conquers HaNazeeland

or

The Harmonious Society Restored

By Spacedteacher


The plot was conceived in the Spring of 1993. It will come to fruition soon!! Much sooner than my HaNazee pengyou / friends would believe possible. Your days are numbered Comrades!!!

The first step was to infiltrate various environmental and animal rights groups. They wanted to slowly, silently and efficiently destabilize the HaNazee traditional medicine market by lawfully regulating the flow of such necessary products as rhino horns , bear gall bladders , and tiger penises. This tactic was designed as a ruse to divert the HaNazee government’s attention from the real plot.A secondary reasoning for this tactic was to confuse the populace. It worked like a charm. For 15 years the HaNazee government spent enormous amounts of funds , effort and time fighting this  problem.The HaNazee populace walked around vacantly for 15 years stammering wo bu ming bai / I don’t understand. While this was all going on they launched the next phase of their plan. They planted the invasion cells under the guise of being lao wai { foreign }teachers at HaNazee universities. For fifteen years they equipped and trained their ” Blue Boys ” Commandos.And now the time has drawn near. Soon very soon the plot will come to fruition.

To a HaNazee restaurant near you.

Operation " Restore The Harmonious Society " mission briefing.

We will attack at lunch time. Squadrons of specially trained and highly skilled vicious American Cub Scouts will quietly descend upon every restaurant in HaNazeeland.These Cub Scouts affectionately and reverently

HaNazees !!! locked and loaded!!

known by the American people as “Blue Boys” are under the Command of Den Mother Annie Oakley The Fourth.

Air and tactical support will be provided by The Japanese Defense Ministry with assistance from The Taiwan Defense Forces.The French of course will provide absolutely no help. By the time the HaNazees are finished with their dofu and chicken feet entrees followed by baiju chasers there will be NEW leadership in HaNazeeland. Gan bei Comrades. Hao che ma?

Gan bei / Cheers !!!

The HaNazees say they are Communists but when it comes right down to it they are capitialists. lol

Should the HaNazee government or populace put up any resistance they will be sent to re-education camps immediately. These camps will be located at Carrefours Markets all over Hanazeeland and Tibet and will be supervised by The Dalai Lama. They will be taught the joys of French wine and brie , Italian pasta and pastries ,German streudel and sausage, Japanese sushi , Korean kimchee and Tibetan yak butter while listening to British broadcasts of the B.B.C.news and Enoch Powell speeches.

The ” wolf in monk’s clothing ” lol

BE WARNED !!! YOU WILL ASSIMILATE!! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!!!smile_angry

Nimen  you mei wen ti./ You have no problem. Den Mother Annie Oakley The Fourth will be the new Provisional Military Leader of HaNazeeland. Do Not worry!! You will like her. Her chocolate chip cookies keep the whole neighborhood happy. And they will keep you wired!!After 6 months there will be an election in which all HaNazee citizens will be allowed to vote for their new foreign leader.I hope you will all participate.


Now I would like to take a moment to wish the “Blue Boys” and Den Mother Annie Oakley The Fourth and our Japanese and Taiwanese friends good luck. Ladies and Gentlemen I know you’ll make us proud. A side word to our French allies. Continue practicing your surrender.

Welcome to The New New HaNazeeland. Conquered in 2 hours by a few squadrons of American Cub Scouts. Glory to the Glorious New Motherland!!
Conquest by Cub Scouts, the children of your lao wai teachers and chocolate chip cookies!!

Damn that C.I.A. is GOOD.


At last HaNazeeland will have the “Joyous Harmony” they have craved for 5,000 years.

Peace and joyous harmony at last.

Under American leadership.

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

January 16, 2010

The Great Harbin Cuban Cigar Autopsy Caper

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

This woman is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” They are the sworn enemy of the HaNazee


Dear Friends :

I have a Canadian friend here in Harbin who is a bit of a cigar expert. He definitely knows a good cigar when he smells one or smokes one. He is also a smooth talking wheeler dealer type. He has been in Harbin for three years and in that time he has developed many contacts. In China business is done on the basis of  guan xi / relationship. Guan xi is an integral part of Chinese culture that has it’s roots in the teachings of the first HaNazee Emperor Of China. It is indeed a very complicated , intricate concept for lao wai / foreigners to understand and become proficient at. Fred is very close to becoming a master of relationships. In his time here he has cultivated many relationships with the local Comrades.  Recently after doing some work for the local Committe a high ranking member rewarded him with a box of Cuban cigars.


Now Fred being a naturally suspicious man as all smooth talking types are was suspicious of the authenticity of these cigars immediately. I’ve seen the cigars. They no doubt look authentic. They all came individually wrapped in cellophane and a plastic container with the band on them and were in a humidor. They certainly looked authentic to me. I was suspicious also however. When and how could authentic Cuban cigars possibly turn up in Harbin? Beijing or Shanghai would be entirely possible. Maybe even Guangzhou , Xiamen , Qingdao or a few other cities but Harbin? It just didn’t ring true.


One night Fred decided to relax by smoking a cigar and listening to some music. He broke open one of the Cubans. After a few puffs he was convinced. They were not authentic. Just to be sure though he decided to do a cigar autopsy. Out came the scalpel. Twenty minutes later the verdict was in. They were indeed fake. Fred surmised that they were probably made by Puerto Rican immigrants in the basement of  a Newark , N.J. brothel.

I’ll bet a fair number of HaNazees frequent this establishment. lol

Isn’t it curious how all the Comrades seem to have an affinity for Western goods ? lol I wonder what Karl Marx  would say about his Comrades indulging their various life pleasures?




If you come to China and anybody tries to sell you ” authentic ” Western consumer goods you’d be wise to assume that they are indeed not authentic.Forewarned is forearmed. You have been warned.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


January 11, 2010

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season

” Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ”


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ”  are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


Spacedteacher vs. The Committee of 17{ Local Branch }


or


“Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season”

By Spacedteacher


Upon arriving in China all foreigners must go to the local police station and obtain a Residency Permit. These agencies are government operations so consequently they are staffed by Chinese Civil Servants. Among these civil servants will always be a few of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s followers. Now as I’ve explained to you in previous chapters part of the good Emperor’s philosophy are tenets such as ” Lucidity Is The Enemy ” and ” Nothing And Nobody In All Of China May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan “. For obvious reasons this can be a very trying experience. Should a foreigner , even one fluent in the language , try to obtain his Residency Permit by himself it almost certainly would be a recipe for disaster. The universities in an effort to preclude such problems will send a representative of the university with the foreigners. This does indeed minimize the conflicts , however if your university representative is inexperienced or if you get an inexperienced or uncooperative clerk , or God forbid you have the unfortunate luck to be assigned to one of  Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s Disciples it can still be a very unpleasant and trying situation. If you are American picture dealing with The Department Of Motor Vehicles and multiply the frustration factor by 50.That was not the case for me this time. I got lucky , very lucky


When my time came to visit the local Chinese Public Security Bureau or as it would be called everywhere else in the world the local  Police Station I was accompanied by the Chinese representative of the university I teach at. As you’ve probably figured out from reading the preceding chapters the Public Security Bureaus are staffed and managed by the local branches of “The Committee Of Seventeen “which have been heavily infiltrated by the HaNazee.Knowing this fact I was preparing for and expecting the worst!! I was having nightmares,during the day, of interminable delays , obfuscation , discourtesy , frustration , and a quite amusing and entertaining display of organized chaos. What I actually got what was quite the opposite. As I’ve explained to you in preceding chapters of the story  the evil first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao instructed ” The HaNazee Yellow Knights Of Ignorance And Chaos” to confuse all ” lao wai” by actually being courteous ,respectful and efficient about 20 % of the time. This strategy is brilliant since it is actually very effective against “lao wai / foreigners with less Chinese  experience than me. Having been in China for a considerable amount of time now it is ineffective against me. I just prayed that Sheng Di had planted a” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” or a “Sister or Brother Of The Jardeen Jasmine” right smack dab in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation for the foreigners as she is wont to do. Praise Li Tan!!Sheng Di willing I might actually get out of here quickly and with my sanity intact!!clap


I was brought to the head of the line and asked to sit down by a rather sexy young woman Public Security Bureau Officer.

This woman turned out to be a " Sister Of The Jardeen Rose ".

She smiled and politely asked me some seemingly pointless questions. I answered politely. This was going well I thought to myself wondering if this courteous , prompt , professional service was going to continue. Shortly I found out that it was. She asked me to please sit up straight and face the camera. I made myself presentable and my photo was taken. It was then that I made my nearly disastrous mistake. I forgot where I was!! I forgot that in spite of the professional , courteous and prompt service I was still dealing with humorless dour Chinese Civil Servants and most likely an adherent or two of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s Disciples was among them . In short I forgot that these folks have absolutely no sense of humor. The America sense of humor is known all over the world as being delightfully wacky and bizarre. Everywhere except  China apparently. I figured that since the nice lady got to have a memento of me in the form of a photo it was only fair that I should get a memento of her in the form of a photo. To borrow from Tina Turner ” What’s fair got to do with it?” A look of fearful horror came upon her face!!

These gentlemen are Chinese Public Security Agents. They are known in the West as Policemen. They are EXTREMELY unpleasant when agitated.At least one or two of them are Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's Yellow Knights. Don't even consider aggravating them.

About 30 Public Security Bureau Agents snapped to attention caressing their security tools lovingly.You CANT take photos of Public Security Bureau Agents she admonished me sternly.

I apologized profusely and explained to her that it’s just the bizarre American sense of humor that we occasionally have difficulty controlling. I meant no harm or disrespect. She accepted my apology and advised me to be more careful next time. With a calm authoritative glance she dismissed her eager co-workers. I couldn’t help but notice that they seemed disappointed that they would not get to have fun with a “lao wai” today.


It was then that I smelled it!! The fragrance of rose and jasmine that was so delicate only a “Kindred Spirit” could discern it. A ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” was making herself known to me. I was right again!! Sheng Di had indeed planted a “Sister Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” right here in the Public Security Bureau. She does indeed work in mysterious ways. Apparently I am blessed by Li Tan and thusly I walk with the Grace of Sheng Di. When I consider that I could possibly have been making involuntary organ donations as a result of letting my bizarre sense of humor get the best of me at the worst possible time I am eternally grateful that Sheng Di , Li Tan ,”The Dragons Of The Jardeen Gardens And Forests” , “The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose” and “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Jasmine” are all on my side.
Friends whenever you face difficulty or are facing trying times in China always seek “The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose.” If you are a ” Kindred Spirit” They will come.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


Halloween In Tijuana ??? Definitely not !!

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

This woman is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” They are the sworn enemy of the HaNazee

Spacedteacher vs. The Committe of 17 { Local Branch} { Sub Committee On Foreign Holidays }

or

Halloween In Tijuana { Definitely NOT!! }

By Spacedteacher


Dear Readersbat :


I was teaching in a small town in Central China. I was the first ” lao wai” / foreigner that this school had ever had. I was also the only ” lao wai ” at this school. The responsibilities were great. I was very excited to get involved with my students many of whom had never even seen a  ” lao wai ” before. Basically I was in a situation where there were a lot of very eager impressionable young Chinese minds to be educated. The best thing was I was given carte blanche to do it my way. I was in heaven at the thought of this opportunity. Not so much later I would come to realize that I was not in heaven at all.  I was in , I suspected , someplace in the opposite direction. My suspicions would be confirmed in due course.


As any ” lao wai ” teacher with experience will tell you the Chinese students always will tell you they want to learn about Western culture. The truth is quite to the contrary. 90 % of them have absolutely no interest in anything that is not Chinese. I’m fairly certain now after six years of experience that The Committee of 17 Sub – Committee On Education tells them to say that. The thinking is probably that they will make themselves look smart by saying that to a “lao wai “and that it will probably please the    ” lao wai ” that foreign people are interested in their cultures. In any case I was still fairly new in China so even though I was beginning to have doubts and starting to  see the big picture I took them at their word. I now know that the vast majority of Chinese students like to talk the talk but when it comes time to walk the walk they’re not interested. That you see takes effort. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao strikes again as it were.

In a country of 1.5 billion people should anybody have the right to indulge a lazy nature?

Halloween was the first Western / American Holiday we encountered during the year. I was so excited about the fun I was going to have with these kids teaching them about Halloween  and partying with them. I asked all my students in all my classes if they wanted to learn about Halloween. A resounding yes was the response. I was quite pleased. I then asked them if they would like to go trick or treating and have a party. A resounding yes. I explained to them about costumes and told them to buy / make one. Now being an American with a twisted bizarre sense of humor as those of you that know me are aware of I was not happy just keeping this on campus.I wanted to involve some of the local townspeople living near the campus. We made flyers in Chinese explaining to the local people what Halloween was and what would be happening on their streets come Halloween night. They appeared to be quite interested and supportive. They were lying or to play the Devil’s Advocate maybe they were just being polite. I ended up doing a shitload of work for very little benefit for anybody concerned due to their misplaced politeness. The attitude on their part regarding that seemed to be ” tough shit lao wai.”

That's their attitude in a nutshell.

Halloween night arrived and all of my students met me at my apartment on campus. Most of them had no costume at all. A few had masks. A few had great costumes. Off we proceeded to introduce Halloween to the people living on campus. We tricked and treated. We hid behind trees and scared people. We did some simple fun tricks such as throw eggs on windows and silly string cars and what not. I was beginning to notice though that as we went further and further along my posse was greatly diminishing. I also was disappointed that they didn’t want to do anything on their own. I had to be the center of attention  to get them  to do anything. By the  time we got to the far end of campus we had about ten kids that were still with me and having fun. I was very disappointed in the other 300 but I figured what the Hell at least now I know who wants to have fun. We proceeded onward.

Picture 40 students in a class giving you that look. You need to be strong to teach in China. lol

It was time to take the celebration off campus. Off to the main street surrounding the campus we went. The Chinese merchants and family living there were very supportive and seemed to be getting into the spirit of the day.They also appeared to be highly entertained. I had noticed though that by the time we got to the end of the street we were down to three kids. I told them ok we’ll finish up this street and call it a night. We  did and I sent them home. I however was NOT finished. I wanted one good ” BOO!!! experience before I went home.


I walked into an internet bar. I think I was costumed as a

This Demon looks familiar. lol

Demon as I remember. My face was painted and I’m sure I was a fearsome sight to the Halloween rookies. I just walked in and strolled up to the head of the room. Everybody’s eyes were on me . I’m sure they didn’t know quite what to think although they seemed to be chuckling. I waited about two minutes just staring at them intently. Finally at the top of my voice I shouted Happy Halloween BOO!!! She sprang from her chair like an angry Tigress protecting her cubs. She had a broom and she wasn’t afraid to use it. Out of her internet bar she chased me swinging her broom violently and extremely accurately

It was funny but scary. A great Halloween experience.

The people on the streets were falling down laughing although they were a bit concerned for my safety. A couple of gentleman restrained her and began , judging by the way they were pointing at the flyers we had posted , explaining to her what was going on. She was PISSED!! She ceased her attack but she kept her eyes on me and her broom handy. There was no way she was letting me back in her internet bar. My mission was completed. I placed my thumbs in my ears , help up my fingers and wiggled them at her while sticking my  tongue out. The Chinese people were roaring. I went home happy that night. I had brought a little bit of Western culture to China although in not quite the way I had intended.

I played this movie a few years later for another Halloween Celebration. It constantly amazes me that these kids have never even heard of these movies. They loved it. They didn't quite know what to make of it at first though. lol

Some people have no sense of humor. The HaNazee Yellow Knights Of Ignorance And Chaos are certainly

Is there a bad moon rising over China?

amongst the foremost of those folks. How unfortunate that so many of the Chinese students are also among them. They are way too young to be this boring. To be this young and be constantly afraid of taking part in the fun things of life or of taking a chance doesn’t bode well for the future of China in my opinion.There is a sadness that afflicts the Chinese people that I guess is reflective of their history. How unfortunate it is that in this time of great economic prosperity and hope in China the Chinese people do not seem to be able or perhaps willing to overcome this sadness.Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao still has them in his grip it would appear. Let’s all pray that The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine will eventually defeat Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and his Yellow Knights bringing freedom to the Jardeen people A.K.A. the righteous Chinese.

By the Grace of Li Tan

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


January 6, 2010

Coffee And Rose

Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

“Coffee and Rose”

or

“Puff The Magic Dragon”

By Spacedteacher


The sexy , sensual aroma of her Kona essence was calling to me. Her scent drifted into my semi-concious state and gently caressed me. I could not resist Coffee!! Her powers are seductive and addictive. I must go to her as a good lover should!!

I sat at the kitchen table and said good morning to my Chinese girlfriend Meigui. Before I could even greet Coffee, Rose A.K.A. Meigui asked me directly if I was O.K. This was a cause for great concern my friends. You see Chinese people never ask or do anything directly , especially when it concerns a “lao wai”. If you’ve been following the story you will know that this concept originated with Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao , the first HaNazee Emperor of China. If a Chinese person asks you if you are hungry you are always supposed to say no. Even if you are hungry. It’s the polite thing to do.After you have said you are not hungry they will ask you where you would like to eat. It’s the polite thing to do. Only then can you really decide if either of you is really hungry and whether or not you’d like to eat and where. After the meal will come the whole 20 minute argument about who will pay the bill. That will be a story for another time.Remember readers that when it comes to dealing with “lao wai” Chinese people have been taught to always obfuscate, frustrate,delay,misdirect and anger the “lao wai”. This has to do with some of their religious /philosophical teachings such as “Lucidity Is The Enemy” and always sow seeds of chaos and ignorance from “The Garden Of Chaos” and “The Forrest Of Ignorance”!! This Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao was a real piece of work and is a constant pain in my ass!!

So considering that Meigui asked me about my health abruptly with no subtlety at all was very out of character for a Chinese woman and thusly a cause of serious concern for me I was deeply troubled. I needed to get answers quickly!! How to do that? I have not learned this ” obfuscate , delay , frustrate , misdirect, anger” game’s subtleties yet. What would I do? How could I gt the answers I needed? It was then that the ” American Voice Of Reason” who sublets a small apartment in my mind spoke to me. “Roll the dice Rimnak!!” So I did.

“Meigui / Rose why are you concerned about my health?” ” “Last night you tossed and turned all night. You must have been having nightmares. You were also talking in your sleep.”  Interesting I thought.And maybe a bit scary. ” What was I saying” I asked Meigui. ” All night long you kept screaming “I don’t know” “I don’t” understand” WoW I thought. I got a direct answer to a direct question from a Chinese person!! I was now very concerned for two reasons. The first one was because Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao also instructed his followers to  behave in a rational way from time to time. This was done to keep the “lao wai” off balance. It happens about twenty per cent of the time. The second was because the Emperor also made his followers swear an oath to him when he rebuked Sheng Di’s authority and set up his own Kingdom in the Eastern Badlands. That oath was ” Wo Bu Zhi Dao” or in your English language ” I Don’t Know”.

Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao is going to find out soon courtesy of Sheng Di

Oh my God !! What was going on here. Was I unbeknownst even to my self a follower of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao? Was some evil HaNazee spirit sent to steal my soul for EmperorWo Bu Zhi Dao’s Kingdom?
Now I was horribly frightened!! I needed help. Should I seek a priest? Was this my own personal “Exorcist” movie? I didn’t know it at the time but there was something far more evil than an “Exorcist” scenario going on here.


It was then that I smelled the soft delicate scent of roses and jasmine. A Sister was near!! Bless Sheng Di I shouted. Praise Li Tan!!! I immediately set out some rose and jasmine incense to seek the Sister.She came to me. I didn’t need to say a word to her. She knew my troubles. And this was what she said to me.


Say the prayer and The Dragon will come.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Puff The Magic Dragon vs Freddy Kreuger

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

By Spacedteacher

Chinese Rose

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

Puff The Magic Dragon vs Freddy Kreuger

By Spacedteacher

.
Oh mighty Dragon of Hannah Li by The Graces Of “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” I seek thine protection”


There the prayer had been said. I must admit though that I was a bit confused. I had heard of the legend of this Dragon. What did he have to do with my problem? No one had even heard from him in about 30 years? In spite of my faith in “The Sisters And Brothers” a kernel of doubt was beginning to form in the husk of my faith.

So now what? I waited!! about 5 minutes went by and then right there in my living room a giant puff of smoke and he was sitting in my reclining chair!!! “Fear not child.” he said to me. “The Sisters” have told me of your disturbing visions. You have nothing to be alarmed about. You are now under the protection of the ” Dragon’s Of The Gardens And Forests.” And then the enlightenment began.

I learned from the Dragon that when The evil Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao was cast out of Righteous Jardeen Nation by Sheng Di for his rebellion against her and exiled to live in The Eastern Badlands he hatched a secret plot. Or so he thought it was secret. He took 100 members of “The Brothers And Sisters of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” and formed two secret battalions. Not even the other “Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance And Chaos” know of these battalions. But Sheng Di already did and so did “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Chinese Rose And Jasmine.” Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao charged these battalions with sowing the seeds of ignorance and chaos in a new previously unseen way. It was especially devious even for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao!! He charged “The Brothers and Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” with sowing the seeds of ignorance by attacking Sheng Di’s believers known as “The Kindred Spirits” by day. If you find your self walking around all day talking to yourself , wasting time , forgetting where you put things. saying pointlessly to every question asked of you” I don’t know” or “I don’t understand” etc etc you are probably under attack by “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Ignorance” . “The Brothers And Sisters Of Jardeen Chaos” were charged with attacking “The Kindred Spirits” by night.” They had a particularly nasty tactic. They appeared in “The Kindred Spirits” dreams to sow the seeds of ignorance and chaos. If you talk in your sleep especially if you say things like ” I don’t know” or I don’t understand” you are probably under attack by “The Sisters And Brothers Of Jardeen Chaos.” This was done with the goal of weakening “The Kindred Spirits” faith in Sheng Di enough so that Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao could finally be rid of that infernal lao wai Jardeen God and “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” as an added bonus.


Sheng Di sitting high in the Divinely cloud shrouded Yellow Mountains was ready for this attack. She quietly without fanfare released her forces. The battle was joined on a new front. Sheng Di had taken 100 of the most devout “Kindred Spirits” and given them Divine protection. She Called them “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests”. They were her High Priests. Whenever they appear to a “Kindred Spirit” under attack they will come in the form of a dragon. Pretty good I.D. protection I think. Would you agree? Sheng Di having a Divine sense of humor commanded that the leader of the Dragons be named Puff. She probably did this just to mind fuck Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao.


Well my initial instincts were coming true. This wasn’t “The Exorcist”. There was no Jardeenic spirit trying to steal my soul for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. My worst fears were realized . I was right . This was something far more evil in it’s nature. This was some HaNazee Freddy Kreuger trying to steal my sanity for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao. A ” Nightmare On Some Dreary Dismal HaNazee Elm St.” if you will.


Take heart my friends. I have no fear. And you needn’t either. I have the ” The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” “The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forrests” and Sheng Di herself on my side!! I can’t be beaten!!!


Friends whenever you feel you are under attack by the forces of chaos and ignorance always praise Sheng Di , seek “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” and invoke the name of Puff The Magic Dragon. And you will be unbeatable also.

By the Grace of Li Tan


May peace be upon you.

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

The Holy Wind Of Dharamasala

Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos


Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

This Lady is a Sister Of The Jardeen Rose . The sisters of the Jardeen Rose are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees

The Holy Wind Of Dharamasala

By Spacedteacher

I had been having strangely compelling and entertaining dreams for about five days. These were not the kind of nightmarish dreams I was having when Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s Dream Invaders had tried to snatch my sanity for their trophy case so I was not scared or unduly concerned but rather curious. These dreams were so compelling that I wanted to know their meaning. As we all know by the actions of The HaNazee good psychiatric help is difficult to find in Jardeen so I wasn’t quite sure who to turn to for help in deciphering this mystery. What to do? What to do? And suddenly the fog parted.

I was dreaming about a certain kind of Orchid found in India. I have no idea why. A billow of smoke and he was there. The High Priest Of The Dragons Of The Gardens And Forests Puff himself was sitting in the middle of a field in India surrounded by purple orchids right smack dab in the middle of my dream. To say I was confused would be an understatement. Him AGAIN?? Why is he here now? Puff seeing my confusion answered my unasked question. ” I am here to  help you understand your dreams ” he said. “The key is in understanding the prophecies.” I was very intrigued now. Please tell me of the Prophecies Master I beseeched him. There are many he replied. I will tell you two tonight. The rest will come with further enlightenment.

” The Holy Wind Of  Dharamasala Shall Cleanse The Righteous Jardeen  People “


” The Sun Of The East  And His Twelve Brothers Shall Bring A New Dawn To The Righteous Jardeen People “


As usual Puff had calmed my nervous state and provided enlightenment. I slept peacefully the rest of that night.

Just before he disappeared in the mist of the midnight moon he advised me to always seek “The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ”


When I awoke there was a purple orchid on my pillow. Next to it was a note. ” Beware the Woman Child of Nanjing. “

The Great ZH

I immediately prayed and sought ” The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” . I had this sense of impending danger . I was not overly concerned though since ” The Sisters” were now aware of my plight.



“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

The Birth Of The Feocious Kitten’s Disciple

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

The Birth Of The Ferocious Kitten’s Disciple

By Spacedteacher

In the middle of the Twentieth Century Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao brought forth his first Earthly incarnation known as the ” Ferocious Kitten ” in the Province of Hunan. His minions in The Jardeen Brothers And Sisters Of  Chaos And Ignorance had sneak attacked Sheng Di when she wasn’t entirely prepared for the ferocity of the attack. They had won what they thought was an epic victory. It was Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s intention to have his second Earthly incarnation ” The Ferocious Kitten’s Disciple ” finish off Sheng Di once and for all thusly ridding Jardeen of the meddling infernal lao wai God. For a period of about thirty years all was going extremely well for Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao or so he thought. Sheng Di was even then planning her counter attack


In the latter half of the twentieth Century Sheng Di counterattacked  bringing  forth The Tribe Of The 57th Flower  and The Economic Messiah to free the Righteous Jardeen People from the ancient Curse Of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and His  Minions. Her planned worked like a charm. The Righteous Jardeen people had become prosperous and happy. The curse was on the verge of being lifted permanently  leading to the final and total defeat of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and His Minions.                 Unfortunately though at that point The Righteous Jardeen became complacent in their new found wealth. They had forgotten who had given them their prosperity and freedom. They had fallen victim to their pride and arrogance once again. In short they had fallen victim to the seeming charms of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s song. Sheng Di decided that The Righteous Jardeen were not quite ready for the eternal freedom she had promised. Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao had forced a draw in  this round.

Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao sensing wrongly that Sheng Di was weakening and what he thought would be his impending ultimate victory played another card from his tricky deck. On a cold dreary dismal morning in the 1980 ‘s in a rural area of Jiangsu Province a girl child was born. Unbeknownst to The Righteous Jardeen People she was The Ferocious Kitten’s Disciple. This fact was however known to Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao and as usual also to Sheng Di.


Also on that morning  the Holy Wind Of Dharamasala  whispered to Sheng Di and thus were The Ladies Of The Purple Orchid born.

Ladies Of The Purple Orchid

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

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