Spaced Teacher's Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

January 19, 2010

The Assignment

Spaced Teacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose”

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


“The Assignment”

By Spacedteacher


I was already peeved when I arrived in Athens for my meeting with The High Commander. smile_angryWhat was so damn important that my vacation needed to be canceled with three weeks left? On top of that he kept me waiting for thirty minutes!! What a puushva!! Finally after the obligatory salutations and “Raising Of The Georgian Jale Of Cooperation” the meeting began. Georgia is very steeped in ritual. That can be a dangerous thing when you are already highly agitated at The High Commander’s stupidity. I needed to step lightly. Fortunately I was able to control myself. I just kept telling myself that he could make life very difficult for me so I better remain calm. Believe me as hard as it is to comprehend he could have sent me to a far worse place than where he eventually did. Praise Sheng Di!!!

My current job was as an Administrative Assistant to The High Commander. I was in charge of rather mundane matters such as getting potholes and street lights fixed, keeping the parks clean etc etc. It was a boring but not terribly demanding job. I could do it easily in my sleep. I was happy with my situation. I made reasonably good money and had plenty of time for my more recreational pursuits.


BUT NO!!! This Shinkra has taken it upon himself to advance MY career!! Who in the Hell asked him? Why can’t he just mind his own business? Over my strenuous objections I was being promoted!! I was to be the Attache of The Georgian Government to a Chinese University.  My primary responsibility was to teach the Chinese university students English and American culture. I also had cultural responsibilities such as attending plays,concerts,state dinners,art exhibits etc etc all in an official capacity!!



I felt CURSED!! smile_devilChina? Responsibility? WHY ME??


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

January 16, 2010

The Great Harbin Cuban Cigar Autopsy Caper

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Sister Of The Jardeen Rose

This woman is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” They are the sworn enemy of the HaNazee


Dear Friends :

I have a Canadian friend here in Harbin who is a bit of a cigar expert. He definitely knows a good cigar when he smells one or smokes one. He is also a smooth talking wheeler dealer type. He has been in Harbin for three years and in that time he has developed many contacts. In China business is done on the basis of  guan xi / relationship. Guan xi is an integral part of Chinese culture that has it’s roots in the teachings of the first HaNazee Emperor Of China. It is indeed a very complicated , intricate concept for lao wai / foreigners to understand and become proficient at. Fred is very close to becoming a master of relationships. In his time here he has cultivated many relationships with the local Comrades.  Recently after doing some work for the local Committe a high ranking member rewarded him with a box of Cuban cigars.


Now Fred being a naturally suspicious man as all smooth talking types are was suspicious of the authenticity of these cigars immediately. I’ve seen the cigars. They no doubt look authentic. They all came individually wrapped in cellophane and a plastic container with the band on them and were in a humidor. They certainly looked authentic to me. I was suspicious also however. When and how could authentic Cuban cigars possibly turn up in Harbin? Beijing or Shanghai would be entirely possible. Maybe even Guangzhou , Xiamen , Qingdao or a few other cities but Harbin? It just didn’t ring true.


One night Fred decided to relax by smoking a cigar and listening to some music. He broke open one of the Cubans. After a few puffs he was convinced. They were not authentic. Just to be sure though he decided to do a cigar autopsy. Out came the scalpel. Twenty minutes later the verdict was in. They were indeed fake. Fred surmised that they were probably made by Puerto Rican immigrants in the basement of  a Newark , N.J. brothel.

I’ll bet a fair number of HaNazees frequent this establishment. lol

Isn’t it curious how all the Comrades seem to have an affinity for Western goods ? lol I wonder what Karl Marx  would say about his Comrades indulging their various life pleasures?




If you come to China and anybody tries to sell you ” authentic ” Western consumer goods you’d be wise to assume that they are indeed not authentic.Forewarned is forearmed. You have been warned.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


If You Go Carrying Pictures Of Chairman Mao !!!

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 6:12 am
Tags: , ,

” Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ”


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose “  are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.

Dear Friends :

If you are one of those people that is foolish enough to believe the current politically correct view that China is going to rule the world soon I have good news for you.Don’tShen me shi hou zhu hui fei / when pigs fly !!! lol believe it!! It isn’t going to happen in your lifetime. I seriously doubt that China will ever rule the world. Assuming they do some day though it is at least 100 years in the future and realistically it’s probably 500 years in the future. When I ask my 20 year old Chinese students how long they think it will be the vast majority say 50 years. Now make no mistake it’s not that they couldn’t it’s that they won’t. I will explain below.

In The HaNazee Holy Book’s Ten Commandments there is one that states the following. As described below :

” Nothing Or NOBODY In All Of China { Jardeen} May Move Faster Than ” The Napping Panda Of Sichuan “.

Emeperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao who was the first HaNazee Emperor  of China was deathly afraid that if his people became too ambitious , efficient and educated they would revolt and toss him and his cronies out of the Palace.He would then need to get the one thing that all HaNazees , especially the men , fear the most. A real job. In The Dreaded Private Sector!!! He wasn’t about to let that happen!!To this day that attitude is still prevalent in China.

When I came to this university I was told that we would be moving into a brand new state of the art building which was specifically designed for the foreign staff and students. I arrived here in March , it is now June and we are still staying in the hotel they initially quartered us in. We are still hearing the move is iminent. LoL I have subsequently spoken to one of the Australian teachers who was here last year. He informed me that he was told that he would be moving into that complex last year. His advice was to not get too excited about it one way or the other.

The Napping Panda Of Sichuan is cutting some zzzzz’s. lol


About 5 weeks ago the hot water in this hotel stopped. Apparently the water boiler broke.It’s very hard for me to believe that The Information Age has reached China yet since everybody in a position of authority that we asked had very little information about this. All we were told was that they had to seek bids and that it would be fixed in about 10 days. Ten days came and went. We asked again. We were told it would be fixed in two to three weeks. Two – three weeks came and went . We asked again. This time we were told it was indefinite. Being rational well educated , if a bit ripe at this point , lao wai / foreigners we asked why. We were told that they were having the necessary equipment shipped in. My guess is that first they have to make it then ship it. I further postulate that since shipping by air is a bit tai guela / expensive and they wish to save some money they are shipping it via donkey cart. We are now at six weeks and counting. Meiyou / zero hot water boiler and about twenty very ripe lao wai / foreigners. There is no end in site. Apparently The Nappping Panda of Sichuan is taking a prolonged snooze this time.


The thing that really amazes me about this whole situation is that the Chinese people just accept it.

I think these are the Chinese characters that mean patience. God knows they have an infinite supply of that.

This hotel is one of the more expensive hotels in this town. It costs about $ 18.00 / 150 R.M.B. a night to stay here. Now by American standards that is not a lot of money but trust me when I tell you that is a significant amount of money by Chinese standards. The way the hotel has handled this is by giving each Chinese guest a 2 RMB / 25 cent token for the public bath. The lao wai / foreigners get nothing. Apparently we are on our own in this matter. To date I have not noticed a drop in the hotel’s occupancy rates or any complaining by the Chinese guests. I find that very curious indeed. I also think it’s another part of the reason that they will never rule the world. As long as you are willing to accept only what the leaders  give you then development will continue to be excruciatingly slow. Can you imagine the reaction of American / Western guests at a comparable 4 star hotel in America or Europe to this situation? I’m reminded of the old saying about the Communists. I think it’s very applicable to this situation. ” If the Communists managed the desert there would be a shortage of sand.”


The Napping Panda of Sichuan is cutting some zzzz’s


By Spacedteacher

P.S. : You may want to stay out of this town for the foreseeable future. There are many very ripe lao wai / foreigners here. It’s not pretty.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .
I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

January 11, 2010

Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season

” Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos ”


This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ”  are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


Spacedteacher vs. The Committee of 17{ Local Branch }


or


“Trying To Reason With Hurricane Season”

By Spacedteacher


Upon arriving in China all foreigners must go to the local police station and obtain a Residency Permit. These agencies are government operations so consequently they are staffed by Chinese Civil Servants. Among these civil servants will always be a few of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s followers. Now as I’ve explained to you in previous chapters part of the good Emperor’s philosophy are tenets such as ” Lucidity Is The Enemy ” and ” Nothing And Nobody In All Of China May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan “. For obvious reasons this can be a very trying experience. Should a foreigner , even one fluent in the language , try to obtain his Residency Permit by himself it almost certainly would be a recipe for disaster. The universities in an effort to preclude such problems will send a representative of the university with the foreigners. This does indeed minimize the conflicts , however if your university representative is inexperienced or if you get an inexperienced or uncooperative clerk , or God forbid you have the unfortunate luck to be assigned to one of  Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s Disciples it can still be a very unpleasant and trying situation. If you are American picture dealing with The Department Of Motor Vehicles and multiply the frustration factor by 50.That was not the case for me this time. I got lucky , very lucky


When my time came to visit the local Chinese Public Security Bureau or as it would be called everywhere else in the world the local  Police Station I was accompanied by the Chinese representative of the university I teach at. As you’ve probably figured out from reading the preceding chapters the Public Security Bureaus are staffed and managed by the local branches of “The Committee Of Seventeen “which have been heavily infiltrated by the HaNazee.Knowing this fact I was preparing for and expecting the worst!! I was having nightmares,during the day, of interminable delays , obfuscation , discourtesy , frustration , and a quite amusing and entertaining display of organized chaos. What I actually got what was quite the opposite. As I’ve explained to you in preceding chapters of the story  the evil first HaNazee Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao instructed ” The HaNazee Yellow Knights Of Ignorance And Chaos” to confuse all ” lao wai” by actually being courteous ,respectful and efficient about 20 % of the time. This strategy is brilliant since it is actually very effective against “lao wai / foreigners with less Chinese  experience than me. Having been in China for a considerable amount of time now it is ineffective against me. I just prayed that Sheng Di had planted a” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose” or a “Sister or Brother Of The Jardeen Jasmine” right smack dab in the middle of a potentially dangerous situation for the foreigners as she is wont to do. Praise Li Tan!!Sheng Di willing I might actually get out of here quickly and with my sanity intact!!clap


I was brought to the head of the line and asked to sit down by a rather sexy young woman Public Security Bureau Officer.

This woman turned out to be a " Sister Of The Jardeen Rose ".

She smiled and politely asked me some seemingly pointless questions. I answered politely. This was going well I thought to myself wondering if this courteous , prompt , professional service was going to continue. Shortly I found out that it was. She asked me to please sit up straight and face the camera. I made myself presentable and my photo was taken. It was then that I made my nearly disastrous mistake. I forgot where I was!! I forgot that in spite of the professional , courteous and prompt service I was still dealing with humorless dour Chinese Civil Servants and most likely an adherent or two of Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao’s Disciples was among them . In short I forgot that these folks have absolutely no sense of humor. The America sense of humor is known all over the world as being delightfully wacky and bizarre. Everywhere except  China apparently. I figured that since the nice lady got to have a memento of me in the form of a photo it was only fair that I should get a memento of her in the form of a photo. To borrow from Tina Turner ” What’s fair got to do with it?” A look of fearful horror came upon her face!!

These gentlemen are Chinese Public Security Agents. They are known in the West as Policemen. They are EXTREMELY unpleasant when agitated.At least one or two of them are Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao's Yellow Knights. Don't even consider aggravating them.

About 30 Public Security Bureau Agents snapped to attention caressing their security tools lovingly.You CANT take photos of Public Security Bureau Agents she admonished me sternly.

I apologized profusely and explained to her that it’s just the bizarre American sense of humor that we occasionally have difficulty controlling. I meant no harm or disrespect. She accepted my apology and advised me to be more careful next time. With a calm authoritative glance she dismissed her eager co-workers. I couldn’t help but notice that they seemed disappointed that they would not get to have fun with a “lao wai” today.


It was then that I smelled it!! The fragrance of rose and jasmine that was so delicate only a “Kindred Spirit” could discern it. A ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” was making herself known to me. I was right again!! Sheng Di had indeed planted a “Sister Of The Jardeen Rose And Jasmine” right here in the Public Security Bureau. She does indeed work in mysterious ways. Apparently I am blessed by Li Tan and thusly I walk with the Grace of Sheng Di. When I consider that I could possibly have been making involuntary organ donations as a result of letting my bizarre sense of humor get the best of me at the worst possible time I am eternally grateful that Sheng Di , Li Tan ,”The Dragons Of The Jardeen Gardens And Forests” , “The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose” and “The Sisters And Brothers Of The Jardeen Jasmine” are all on my side.
Friends whenever you face difficulty or are facing trying times in China always seek “The Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose.” If you are a ” Kindred Spirit” They will come.


“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol
The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.
All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


January 1, 2010

The Russians Are Coming !! The Russians Are Coming !! { To Easter Dinner }

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 4:18 am
Tags: , , ,

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Jardeen Rose

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.

The Russians Are Coming!! The Russians Are Coming!! { To Easter Dinner}

This past Easter I had a rather profound religious experience here in Qiqihar. The Russian Orthodox Lady teachers at my university invited me to join them for Easter dinner. They took me to a very nice restaurant in downtown Qiqihar. The  restaurant they chose  was a bit of an upscale establishment. The ambience and food was wonderful. The service was excellent. Still there was something amiss. I noticed it immediately.Why all the Crescent Moon decorations? Why were the menus written in Arabic? Why were the waiters wearing those Islamic skull caps ? Why were the walls adorned with paintings of Mosques , minarets and Middle Eastern landscapes? Apparently the ladies did not.lol

Let’s just say that Easter dinner in a Muslim restaurant was an interesting experience. LoL It was such delicious irony. The dessert of this irony was that it was apparently totally lost on the Russian ladies.

I love Russian women.

GOD bless Mother Russia!!!

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Don’t Worry Be Happy or It’s Uttama Bin Kaden’s Fault. REALLY It Is!!!

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 1:48 am
Tags: , ,

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Jardeen Rose

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.

“Don’t Worry Be Happy”

or

“It’s Uttama Bin Kaden’s Fault. REALLY IT IS!!”

There is a well known terrorist by the name of Uttama Bin Kaden who is constantly causing all kinds of security issues throughout the world. Because of Mr. Bin Kadens nefarious activities daily life can be very dangerous for law abiding people.Upon my departure for China I was about to become acquainted with those difficulties.

My home is in the Appalachian Mountains. It is in my opinion the most beautiful part of my country. Unfortunately it is about 5 hours from the nearest airport which is located in Atlanta. Because of security concerns related to Mr. Bin Kaden and his “Crew” all airports in my country require that you arrive two hours early. This meant that I would have to arrive at 6:00 A.M. for my cross continent flight to the city of Los Angeles from where I would transfer for a noon time flight across the Pacific Ocean bound for Jardeen. I had to leave my home at 1:00 A.M. in order for these arrangements all to work. While I was annoyed at Mr. Bin Kaden for causing me all this trouble I understood and supported the Government’s security precautions.

The REAL adventure was to begin in The City of God’s Angels when I had my first experience with the Jardeen people!!!

I arrived in The City of God’s Angels at 11:00 A.M. I had 1 hour to make my switch.The Jardeen government had arranged for somebody to meet me there and help with the transfer. He was nowhere to be found! THAT should have been my first clue. Although I was traveling alone and did not understand the language or culture I was not concerned ,after all I was an intelligent , well traveled American. I had visited many parts of the world and had never encountered ANY serious problems I was confident that I would figure it out. Everything I had studied about these Jardeen in my two weeks of intensive preparatory classes for my new assignment indicated that they were an advanced culture. It was then that I noticed there were two main Jardeen airlines. Jardeen Air and Air Jardeen. I thought this needlessly confusing. I later discovered that the Jardeen Sub Committee on Airports which is appointed by The Committee Of 17 did not!!! As my Jardeen adventure progressed and I began to learn more about Jardeen culture I was amazed to discover that 80% of the Jardeen people and 100 % of the leaders are followers of an ancient religion known as Kuulang Shang which has been shrouded in mystery and suspicion for eons. The primary Saint of this religion is none other than their venerated first Emperor Wo Bu Zhi Dao . Two of the main tenants of this religion are that “Lucidity Is The Enemy” and “NOTHING May Move Faster Than The Napping Panda Of Sichuan!!!” I digress a bit. If only I had known then what I know NOW!!!

I took a look around to get my bearings. Fortunately or so I thought I was near the right terminal. I approached the flight board. My flight was not listed. Curious I thought. I double checked to make sure I had read my ticket correctly. I had. It was time to seek help. I found a Jardeen C.S.R. that allegedly spoke English. I asked her for help. BIG MISTAKE!!! She assured me that the ticket was a misprint and I actually belonged in the other Jardeen airline’s terminal. A voice in my head said “Don’t listen to her,DON’T”. Sometimes you should listen to the voices in your head. THEY ARE THERE FOR A REASON!! Off I went to the other terminal. I wasn’t playing this time. Immediately I found a C.S.R. BIG MISTAKE!! I was beginning to suspect that customer service was a foreign concept to the Jardeen. A suspicion that was later confirmed by much experience.It seems that another principle of their religion is ” Knowledge Is Dangerous”. Apparently it is not safe to know ANYTHING that your boss doesn’t . For that reason initiative and creativity are discouraged. ANY Jardeen underling wants only the EXACT ,SPECIFIC knowledge required to do ONLY their jobs. Questions will confuse them. A hissy fit will make them nervous.When they are confused YOU will get absolutely ZERO results. When they are nervous you will get results. They will hate you passionately but you WILL get results. I had twenty minutes to get results. Since I was not expecting any problems I had only brought $250 with me .I had no return ticket to America. If I missed this flight I was in BIG trouble. It DEFINITELY was time to start being concerned. Not panic –YET just concern. She looked at my ticket. A look of amazed bemusement came upon her. Ten other Jardeen C.S.R.’s are giggling softly but noticeably. A glance at my watch revealed that it was now 11:30. 30 minutes flushed down into the kairotic Jardeen abyss. It was time for an American solution to this problem. I pulled a hissy fit and demanded to speak to someone that could fix this problem. IMMEDIATELY!!!! Five minutes later I was being escorted personally by the manager of this terminal to the other terminal.

Ahh sweet relief !!!! Problem solved. Think again Rimnak!!! My flight was indeed at this terminal but there were 85 people in front of me at one check in station for all 85 passengers.{Remember here the tenant of their religion which states “Lucidity Is The Enemy!!} What will he do now you ask?Well I marched right up to the front of the line and explained politely but firmly that I was an American teacher on my way to Jardeen to teach at a university so I MUST be allowed to cut in front of all of these other people and get on my plane which is leaving in TEN MINUTES as any self respecting American would do. As even you would do. “No dice lao wai / foreigner!!!}

ANGER!!! RESENTMENT!!! HATRED!!!


It was at the precise moment that Jardeen security

was eyeing me furtively and I was planning the strategy of my impending tantrum that it happened.

She was an absolutely beautiful Jardeen woman!!

I have been all over the world and I have seen some beautiful women from many different cultures so when I tell you that she was easily in the top 1 percentile you should have no reason to doubt me. I enjoyed watching her walk in the same way I enjoy listening to Diana Krall sing. Her eyes were a combination of the sparkle of Hawaiian rainbows and the sensuality of the Appalachian Rains. Launch sequence was activated!!!
She walked right up to me looked me right straight in the eyes smiled that sweet smile of The Jardeen Rose which all lao wai come to know and love and whispered in perfect English in that soft , low and sexy yet innocent voice

Don’t worry sir. The plane will wait for you.

WOW!! Beauty , Charm , Sex Appeal , Brains AND Humor.

My attitude towards the Jardeen began to change. She had sparked a metamorphosis. While I never did get her name or see her again I thank her for that.
And thusly was my first impression of China indelibly burned into my psyche.

P.S.: I later found out that this is a little game that the two terminals like to play with each other and with the “lao wai” they deal with. Regardless of your feelings about any cultural problem or any people you MUST respect a sense of humor no matter how much it confused you at the time. I certainly do!! LoL I also found out that ALL the people in that line were on my flight. They were all lao wai teachers going to various universities in China. Most of them were going to my university. I came to know quite a few of them well.

P.P.S. : Isn’t it curious how all the bad impressions seem to fade over time and let us remember fondly the good times and good impressions.

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol


The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us.These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

Spielberg Chan And The Empress’s Wedding

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 12:45 am
Tags: , ,

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Jardeen Rose

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


Spielberg Chan And The Empress’s Wedding

Dalian , Liaoning Province , P.R.C. { China }

Dalian is a beautiful coastal city in Liaoning Province. Due to it’s magnificent natural beauty and sophisticated life style it’s fast becoming a haven for ” lao wai ” / foreigners. There is also an abundance of feminine beauty which also attracts tourists from all over the world.Probably because of these factors and the fact that the Chinese have a naturally dramatic sense of  style Dalian attracts a lot of creative Chinese folks seeking careers in  the movie / tv and photographic fields.

Last October on the National Day { Independence Day } break I had seven days off and was looking for a quickie vacation where I could just chill out and relax for a bit. Since I had been hearing a lot of good reports about Dalian and since it was only a 2 hour plane ride away I booked  a vacation. I was not going to be disappointed. I had a very fun adventure which I’m now going to tell you about.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                         Ringing Dalian are two coastal roads running in East and West directions. One of them is about 36 KM long. The other is about 20 km. Both of them go over the mountains that come right to the ocean’s edge. It’s a great place to go hiking and that’s exactly what I did. Off I went with my camera , camcorder and a days supplies of munchies and drinks and some warm clothes in case I got stranded. It can get a bit cool at night. Along one of these roads is a Medieval English looking castle. It is so out of place architecturally in China that your eye can’t help but gravitate to it. Since this whole road is breathtakingly romantic there are also lots of very high priced hotels.There is this one very expensive hotel that sits right in the shadow of the castle. It’s a very popular place for weddings and wedding photographs.Bear in mind that because of the one child policy in China if you have money it is a great status symbol to be able to give your son or daughter a wedding in one of these hotels.The Little Emperor / Empress syndrome if you will .Nothing but the best will do. If you can afford the best then  you MUST have the best. The neighbors will be green with envy don’t you know. I just happened to be passing by one night and ran into one of these celebrations. I didn’t know it at the time but the GREAT Spielberg Chan was the photographer of this event. I figured since it was a public place I had every right to poach a few photographs . I was not obtrusive at all with one little exception that I asked permission for . The bride was gracious enough to consent to my request. Spielberg Chan being a contentious artiste was not happy with me. Spielberg Chan’s displeasure with me considering who and what he is was of little concern to me. I decided to watch a bit. Spielberg went into his schtick.

He turned her head this way and that , he straightened her dress , he adjusted her corsage , he had the technicians moving the equipment  , adjusting the light meters , he fixed the grooms tie , he posed the bride  this way and that , he posed the groom this way and that , he posed the bride and groom together this way and that. On and on this went for 30 minutes. It wasn’t hard to tell that everybody was getting highly agitated with Spielberg Chan including me. Now you all know how highly entertaining and creative Americans can be when they are pointlessly agitated. If you’re going to have a video / photo shoot in a public place and tie up the streets and access to the shops at least be quick about it and entertain the local folks while you’re at it. I was plotting my revenge. Finally it was time to shoot the video. Spielberg starting shooting and so did my camcorder. As I said earlier it was a public place. Nothing wrong with poaching a little video. lol Spielberg saw my camcorder light go on. Cut!!! he waited 5 minutes and tried again.  He said action , on went my camcorder. CUT!! This little game went on for about 10 -12 sequences or about 30 minutes. Finally when I could see that Spielberg Chan was sufficiently agitated I left him to his own devices.As I walked away I could hear and see Spielberg Chan’s crew chuckling. Apparently the American was more entertaining than the great Spielberg Chan was.

I realize that artistes have a contentious nature but the HaNazee artiste , probably because of his naturally meticulous Chinese nature , is a major pain in the ass. Spielberg Chan certainly deserved a gold star in that category. Somebody needs to tell them that they are not ALL the next John Woo!! lol

Aggravating the HaNazee should be an Olympic sport. It’s such delicious fun.

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys work for the HaNazee.


All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.


December 31, 2009

Freeze It And They Will Come

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 3:08 pm
Tags: , ,

Spacedteacher’s Adventures In The Middle Cosmos

Jardeen Rose

This Lady is a ” Sister Of The Jardeen Rose “

The ” Sisters Of The Jardeen Rose ” are the sworn enemies of the HaNazees.


Freeze It And They Will Come

By Spacedteacher

The Chinese Men’s and Women’s National Ice Hockey Teams are both based in Harbin. Strangely enough they get zero support from the local Chinese people. Before you ask it is not expensive even by Chinese standards to see a game. The two stadiums they have are both fairly modern and comfortable. They are an enjoyable place to watch a game.My theory on why the Chinese don’t support hockey is because there is no Yao Ming of hockey. As soon as that changes and it most assuredly will the Chinese will come running.Mr. Charles Wang who is a very wealthy Chinese -American businessman that hails originally from Harbin and just happens to own the New York Islanders is actively pursuing that ” Yao Ming ” of hockey. He has invested a lot of money in training facilities and programs for Chinese ice hockey development. In Harbin near the Tai Ping Jalefu neighborhood he helps finance the training complex for the Chinese men’s and women’s National Teams. Another reason is that they as yet have never done well at the Olympics. That too will change soon particularly for the women’s team.

I had been badgering my students to at least come one time and see a high level game and support their own national team in the process. Finally four of them consented , probably just to get me off their asses.One of these students was also moving to Calgary , Canada that spring. I badgered her about learning the culture of her adopted country. lol

The Korean White Tigers from Seoul Korea were in town to play a combined Qiqihar / Harbin men’s team that had many of the players from the Chinese National Men’s Team on it. The stadium seats about 10,000. There were maybe 1,000 in attendance. Six of those 1,000 were lao wai { foreigners}. A Harbin player intercepted a Tigers breakout pass on his off wing { R } just inside his offensive blue line. There was one Tiger defenseman to beat. With a burst of speed , a tuck and go between the defenseman’s leg and a clever deek he picked the puck up on the other side and roofed a vicious forehander shortside. The Tiger goalie never had a chance. Six ” lao wai ” stand up and cheer this players efforts heartily. 994 Chinese just sit there stonefaced. Apparently it’s undignified in Chinese culture to show emotion even when the home team is kicking ass. That did not matter to us lao wai. We enjoyed the rest of the game as we would have done had we been at ” The Joe “. We had a good time. The Chinese as best as I could tell did too. I’m not sure however if they were watching the game or watching us watch the game. We may very well have been their entertainment.

My four students were standing right behind the goal when this goal was scored. There are now four more hockey fans in the world.May writes me now and again and tells me she is doing well in Canada. She roots for the Flames.

I like to think that the Hockey Gods were pleased with my efforts.

[rockyou id=67320338&w=426&h=317]

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having a strong aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself

The Circle Of Strife

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 2:40 pm
Tags: ,

The Circle Of Strife

By Spacedteacher

When I first came to China I was a normal , fun loving , healthy American male with blond hair , blue eyes and white skin. After seven years in China I am perpetually confused , I have high blood pressure, my hair has turned white,my skin now appears yellow to me and my eyes have glazed over and spin in a counter clockwise direction. All of this is largely the fault of my Chinese students. My daughters tell me I’m beginning to look Chinese. They also tell me they can’t understand me anymore. I’m considering whether or not to be frightened by this. I’ve not made a definitive decision as yet.


In Chinese Mythology their country is known as The Middle Kingdom. They believe they are between Heaven and Hell. In their way of thinking China is paradise on Earth while waiting for  St. Peter to open The Pearly Gates. O.K. O.K. that is not the way the Chinese would express it but for a Western audience that is what they mean. Curiously they don’t even seem to consider the concept  that since they view  their country as between Heaven and Hell that perhaps they are not The High Church of Chinese Humanity but rather The Honky Tonk on Hell’s Highway. In any case I have a different name for their country. Considering that they live in their own chaotic twisted little universe I have named their country The Middle Cosmos. Buckle up Javshi it’s going to be a wild ride.


In America life was far easier with regards to life’s mundane chores than here in China. Here if I want to do even the simplest of life’s chores such as grocery shopping , local traveling , restaurant dining , laundry etc a meeting of The Committee of 17{ Local Branch} must be convened to discuss the matter.It may be dangerous after all to let the lao wai  / foreigners loose in our cities to go shopping. This meeting may last anywhere from 6 hours to six weeks or possibly even more depending on the perceived complexity and danger of the given situation. Once The Committe of 17 has made their decision they then must consult with the ghost of Chairman Mao to seek his approval. Once the mogui / ghost has given the thumbs up I may proceed——-CAREFULLY , VERY CAREFULLY !!! While I’m not exactly sure why this process is constructed as it is  I do have my theories. We shall be discussing them in upcoming chapters.


Ahhh the good life / hao ri zi. Those of you with the Chinese experience understand. Those of you that don’t have the Chinese experience I invite you to come visit or better yet take a working vacation and come teach for a year or two.


Once that charming and intoxicating Jardeen rose touches you you’ll never be the same.God works in  mysterious ways. I’ll get those damn Christian magazine publishers if it’s the last thing I do. lol


The slide show immediately below is of The Chen Family Homestead in Guangzhou.

[rockyou id=69980461&w=450&h=338]

“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are very well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys work for the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

I Blame Jesus

Filed under: King Of The Chinese Road — spacedteacher @ 2:19 pm
Tags: ,

Dear Friends :
When I was a young pup of 45 I was a normal well adjusted American man just biding time waiting for my midlife crisis.I had blond hair , crystal blue eyes, a keen mind and was in perfect health. I was wondering how I would embrace and celebrate this wondrous stage of life. While  in the library one day killing time  a Christian magazine cover happened to catch my eye.Curiously  I picked it up and read the cover article. Trust me when I tell you that it’s very unusual for me to be reading a Christian magazine.It was an interesting article. I read another then another and another. I then decided to check out the Christian employment ads since I had no idea what Christian employment was and had plenty of time to kill. It was then I saw the ad to come teach English in China. My problem of how to enjoy my impending fourth childhood was solved. Being an American with an acute sense of adventure I thought this would be as good a place and situation as any to have a Golden Years Adventure. I applied to teach at a Chinese University. I was not seriously expecting a reply. Much to my amazement I was accepted. Two weeks later I was in The Middle Cosmos { China }That was how my adventure in The Middle Cosmos began.

Spacedteacher


[rockyou id=67478807&w=579&h=433]
“The Adventures Of Spacedteacher In The Middle Cosmos { China }” are a collection of short stories based upon my actual experiences.They are written from the point of view of an American ” lao wai” { foreigner}. As is the case with all of humanity’s gardens there are flowers AND weeds.The Chinese garden is no different in that regard , they have flowers in the form of the Jardeen Roses and Jasmine and crabgrass in the form of the HaNazees. I try to weed the crabgrass while focusing on and accentuating the Jardeen Rose and Jasmine .

I have taken only the barest minimum of poetic license in an effort to make these stories more enjoyable to read for you. Trust me when I tell you it happened 99 % exactly as I tell it. All names have been fictionalized to protect the guilty from legal action be that civil or criminal and to protect the innocent from the guilty and most importantly to protect the author , yours truly , from the crabgrass in the Chinese garden. Those HaNazee can be vicious bastards!! lol

The HaNazee are well known for having an aversion to the spelling and grammar challenged among us. These guys are in the employ of the HaNazee.

All characters , plot lines , fictional places , and anything else even remotely associated with these stories is the intellectual property of Spacedteacher D.B.A. Bea Wildered Enterprises and may not be used without the express written consent of the aforementioned Spaced one or Bea herself.

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